Why is it so hard to just be yourself....

 
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How do you just be you?  I do not know where to start with this one without sounding like a complete bitch… I have not never felt more like myself than I do now.  I am not sure why… or how… but I finally feel like the person I was years ago. This might be hard to explain..

I was married for many years and throughout most of my marriage I did not feel like I could be myself.  I was trying to be perfect. What is it about being perfect and why do we feel we need to be perfect at times… perfect job, perfect body, perfect life...  

I loved my life, however I was just not myself.  I always felt like I was trying to live up to someone I was not.  I felt like I was always trying to please someone. I am not a perfect mom or person.  I tried to be perfect for many years.. I mean I tried to make homemade baby food, I tried to make craft projects off of pinterest, and I tried to throw the best kid birthday parties.. The truth is, none of that is me.. I love my kids and I would do anything for them.  But I am not the perfect mom… nor do I want to be.

I was a stay at home mom for many years and I did love it, however I might sound crazy or like a bitch, but I feel you also lose a part of yourself.  I volunteered for Sunday school, PTA, field trips, etc ..thinking this is what I should be doing. I was even on the PTA board and it was definitely not for me… After many years and my kids were older, I was bored.  I would try to create projects. I felt like I didn’t know what I wanted to do or that I didn’t really do anything important. I was trying to find myself again and didn’t know where to start.  I wanted to feel important again.

I have no idea why I thought I had to be perfect all the time.  I did not grow up that way, but I think over time I changed to be someone I wasn’t.  I think it took years to get back to my old self or the person I am…I have just learn to let things go. I do not get worked up about all the things in life that don’t really matter. I do not feel like I need to make it to every event or have my kids go to every event.  Sometimes we just need to stay home.

Slowly, I started to make my own decisions without feeling guilty. I had to learn to just say no to things I really did not like. Maybe they were things I had pretended to like for years. I realized I am more comfortable with a smaller groups.  I do not like crafts. I do not like cooking. I do not like home projects.  I like music. I like concerts. I like sitting outdoors…. So many of these things I neglected for many years.  Mostly because I felt I would just go along with everyone else and not speak up for what I wanted. Or I felt guilty for wanting to do  something I wanted. I finally realized that I didn’t have to live up to anyone or their expectations. I was myself.

I have learned that I do not get worked up over things now..I am late for everything and I have accepted it.   Years ago, I would be yelling over and over again because we were late. Then I realized, I have 3 kids and we are just never going to be on time for anything.  

I am myself with my kids now. I probably let them stay up later than they should. I do not have them involved in every activity.  My daughter wears the same clothes everyday almost, we wash them at night and she wears them again. Why? Because it’s easier and what does it matter…

Its hard to learn to feel comfortable just being yourself. Its hard to not worry about being the perfect mom, or wife, or perfect everything. I have learned that I do not worry over as much anymore. Somehow it works out. Maybe not how I wanted it, but it works out.  I have learned to let a lot go, and I can be myself.